a wee joke

Mechanic vs. Pilot

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school
diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Ten Techs for the digital living room

Just been reading the bbc news page and they were describing the ten tecs for the digital living room.

This idea has always fascinated me and I have been for the last few years always been dabbling in trying to make my house more techie so to speak..

the first thing they say to get is a home server and low and behold I have one .. in fact the Buffalo link station they are talking about, its great as it just sits next to my Buffalo Technology wireless router and happily serves up files, music or video whenevr I need it, alright it only has a 250gb capacity and I did have some teething problems with the first one I had "it crashed loosing all my data I had on it" but the linkstation is always on "although the software it claims that you can access from anywhere, doesnt work"




Also I use remote software to connect to my pc from anywhere I am and can control the pc using this and can even check my security cameras from anywhere, any It consultancy worth their salt will be able to help you get this up and running and this can be essentially an amazing tool for business's everywhere.

Paisley Computer Repair

Got my new website up and running its called Paisley Computer Repair, Paisley Computer Repair is my new baby.

I will be doing home repairs, business call outs, network setup, broadband setup, virus repairs and clean, spyware checks and clean,

you can visit the website at www.paisleycomputerrepair.co.uk or go to www.paisley.org.uk and then click on the link bottom left hand side of the page.

look at my gorgous big boy

Gadgets

Now for anyone who knows me knows that I love gadgets in a big way and i just read on the bbc this comment and now know why I love buying and need to have the newest gadget on show..

"

"It's all about the Scalextric set your mother didn't buy you when you were a child. Now you can buy your own."

The toy shop might have been a disappointment all those years ago, but now you've got your own credit card and you're at the top of your own gift list. And if you really, really want it, you can have it."

from the bbc news Marketing expert at the Henley Management College, David James, http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6276910.stm

Photosynth

this is new technology avilable now isnt this just amazing..

Aye tunes

Can you help me out here???

A bizarre thing happened to me on my way back from work, a big juicy worm dropped right onto my windscreen.

Now how could it have got there?

Well I have a few suggestions, maybe,

It was on holiday and was on its way back aboard a plane and suddenly the door in the plane blew out and sucked the worm right out and it fell to its death onto my windscreen.

Maybe, it is an adrenaline freak and was practicing its jumping skills after climbing up a handy nearby tree.

Maybe, it was messing about with a firework and he got his shirt caught on the rocket and was flung up into the air.

Maybe, it was practicing on his pogo stick and suddenly a gust of wind blew him off it right into me.

Maybe, his wife flung him out and threw him that hard he went so high and because he doesn't have wings he couldn’t avoid the unfortunate events about to hit him square in the face.

Now my wife says a bird picked it up and dropped him but I told her not to be daft, "woman they make up so much mince sometime don’t they.. tch tch "

Anyways could you let me know what you think happened??? Its totally baffling me, just add it to my comments page

Jewish - Italian Prank Call

This is mental, listen right through the girls mum and dad are mental..



Jewish Girl Prank Calls Her Parents - Watch more free videos

Grant Caught with his pants down

here is grant my brother in law last week after the beer festival, shocking isnt it...

i know whwre is his pint glass???

My Mate Scotso

Just in case no one has seen scotso here is a cracking close up of him spotted by a keen scotso enthusiast last weekend, well done to you for spotting him before he shaved..

Happy Star Wars Day

May the 4th be with you...

Paulo Nutini

Me, the wife and a few others including scottso, sarah and christine...and her two friends all went to the Carling Academy tonight to watch Paulo Nutini and he was brilliant..

Paulo's voice is great and we all thouroughly enjoyed ourselves, we did hear that he was always pished when he was singing but i think it is all part of the act, but what an act it was...

its great to see people from close to you doing so well, me and scotso were stood next to his sister and her friends all night who were thouroughly enjoying themselves too..

Carling academy was a great wee venue as well nice and close and the sound was great..

well done Paulo, Paisley is proud of you...

he is also featured on my website

http://www.paisley.org.uk/famous_people/paolo_nutini.php

or you can read more on his website http://www.paolonutini.com/

St MIrren FC

Took Junior squiro to Love street last night to watch this seasons crunch relegation decider "well it could be" between dunfermiline and St Mirren.

Well one word to describe St Mirren DREADFUL

there was no heart, no skill and the 10 and a half thousand fans that turned up to cheer on the saints were no better, i was talking to one guy who said this was the best atmosphere he ever seen at love street, well i can tell you that he was talking crap, i used to be a loyal saints fan in the 80's and we had a lot better nights and were a lot more supportive than those guys last night.

Now i cant really blame the fans as there really was nothing to cheer about and maybe the nerves were more to do with the fans not being as loud as they should have.

I really hope St Mirren can survive in the top flight this year as I have a soft spot for them and Paisley needs a team that is doing well, if Paisley is doing well usually St Mirren are doing well too, both go hand in hand as far as im concerned.

I just wish there was some passion and heart from the St Mirren players and gave the fans something to shout about and for the packed crowd that was there last night if they won or at least tried they would maybe have won some new fans, but now most of the crowd have though exactly how i am thinking right now.. Total Sh**e

Amazing video

this guy has serious balls, great video

Annoying Devil

I have put some videos on here from my favourite show balls of steel, fantastic

here is another of my fav's the annoying devil

http://dumbfunny.com/163_The-annoying-devil-strikes-again.html

fantastic

Ive got a hole in my head and my brain is leaking

Last night my wife had a gruesome job to do "and she loved it" what was it you ask??

I have had a sebaceous cyst on my head for more than a year now, the doctor says dont worry about it, but it was getting bigger all the time so sometimes it was quite uncomftorble especially when it started talking back to me.....

over the last few weeks it had started to become infected and im sure that my health suffered at the same time.

so my wife has a very strange habbit of squeezing spots "she is in the beauty industry" and was loving every minute of squeezing the goo from my head, and all of a sudden a big white sack popped out of my head yeugh horrible.

It looked like a small ball of wax shaped like a pea with a small root on the end. today i feel pretty good and my head is actually flat.

anyways i thought i should share this with you, hope your having your breakfast at the same time he he ...

Jelly Jumper

this is a great wee game, very addictive and great fun

http://www.gamenet.com/jellyjumper/

I feel pretty

I have been messing about with my new toy, sony vegas 7 video editing package

i used Scott D as my testbed with a small sample footage.. i think it came out pretty good, dont like how youtube has compressed the file though

here we are:

1and1 internet technical support dont give a dam

This is my recent email to 1and1.co.uk technical support, who over the last few weeks have been driving me crazy, I am on the verge of F*****g going mental with them.

In my opinion they dont listen and dont want to I only have three servers and an exchange account with them, a lot for some but for these guys I am little and not to be seen nor heard as long as I pay them my money they dont care..

If anyone is thinking of going with 1and1 dedicated servers DONT the servers are good but these guys support is shocking.

anyway here we go
-------

Sometimes the way that you treat your customers is verging on the diabolical

Tonight I have a problem with email not being delivered from my root server, so I try the usual, reboot the server – restart the services – see if there is a mail blockage etc but nope nothing out of the ordinary.

So I decide to phone your support which at 2100 hours UK time goes through to the US

My problem is that I can send mail from one server to another and also to my exchange account “internally in 1and1” but no mail is arriving at any outside email i.e yahoo, hotmail, any other domain name etc..


I explain this to the support personnel, who says its not our problem it must be with your server “now this happens a lot when I speak to one of you guys” now how can it be my server when it is leaving the server to go to another server “no settings have changed since it was last working and it was working well”..

What do we pay our money for every month??? What is the point of you guys if you don’t even want to help?

I run an IT support company and when a client says they have a problem I try and find the root of the problem, providing them with a service, not telling them its nothing to do with me…

I have also been passed from pillar to post on my request for the termination of my windows server, now I have said time and time again it does not work for my company’s needs so I would like it shut down “I am quite willing to pay for the contract to be terminated” BUT NO ONE LISTENS…

What is happening am I just small fry and you don’t want to waste your valuable time on me??? For a good few years I had passed my compliments onto many a person who now have servers with you guys, but this will be stopping from now on and I will be saying what a dam shambles you guys are, you don’t listen and you don’t answer any support requests, so why should anyone go with you?? I wonder.

I only have two small problems and want them answered. 1 why are emails not reaching an external source and 2. when can my question on my windows server be answered to a satisfactory result?

I will also be putting this email on my blog, emailing internet journalists and magazines and also trying to generate support for people to stand up to your lack of respect for the small trader, you should be held accountable some way..

As you can see I am raging at what I see is a disgrace.

Regards

Brian McGuire