2007 Darwin Awards

The 2007 Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1.

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2.

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3.

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5.

An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6.

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7.

Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8.

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10.

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember... They walk among us!!! ***

Roof update

Now i know you are on the edge of your seat about my roof problems, so I thought I would update you, I called the council again today as still no one had got back to me and I have found out they have to organise the scaffold company to come out and repair the damage, funnily enough on saturday of this week they were about five doors down from me.. mmmmm

anyways the target date is the 5th march so hopefully my roof holds out until then if not Im gonna be drookit or roofless...

The Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession

approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the

first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were

about 200 men walking single file.



The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry

for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"



"My wife's."



"What happened to her?"



The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."



He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"



The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."



A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.



"Can I borrow the dog?"



"Get in line."

my roof

I have taken some video of my roof and the damage that the winds at the start of January did to my house 3 weeks ago on writing this blog, Renfrewshire council have done nothing "granted thy may be busy" but they have not so much as returned my calls or even came out to look at the damage, look just under the chimney and you will see the lead flashing has been cracked as well..

lets hope for our sake its not my bloody chimney..

The Kangadoodle

Here is a wee video of buddie now 1 years old, what a cracker he is and can i also say crackers... well what do you expect from kangadoodles??

The wife

I was down at my mother in laws the other day there and like they do they get the old photos out now normally this is when i go to sleep but i noticed this one and though oh S**t thats me fooked lol now i know where she gets it from, god help me ...

Paisley Web Design

I have now designed my own website and uploaded it last night check out www.paisleywebdesign.co.uk it offers my services such as web design "obvioulsy" hosting, domain name registration, email etc

its a really nice design and was inspired by my picture of tree face out my backdoor lol also as i have also noticed the last few days i had been seeing the same image of a tree on my calendar which is the bbc nature calendar weird but hey thats how marketing works...

check out Paisley Web Design website now.. let me know your thoughts on it??

thanks

Paisley.org.uk Live alive ho

The site is back on at last no thanks to the wonderful world of 1and1 Internet "tubes" well its back on with the show, getting all the pages ready and fit for people to view, I'm looking for some more volunteers to help with the St Mirren football club section "if anyone is interested please click here" it will go a long way to help the development of the website and enrich peoples life's with tales of the saints lol.....

come on what you waiting for??

Call me for help

If you need any com[uter support feel free to give me a call from the UNited States or Canada.

brianmcgui 1-888-MY-ETHER ext. 02534962

Free Open source games

Just found a website that has free open source games, Ive had a wee play of some of them namely wormsux lol cant stop playing it...

http://osswin.sourceforge.net/games.html

a wee joke

Mechanic vs. Pilot

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school
diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Ten Techs for the digital living room

Just been reading the bbc news page and they were describing the ten tecs for the digital living room.

This idea has always fascinated me and I have been for the last few years always been dabbling in trying to make my house more techie so to speak..

the first thing they say to get is a home server and low and behold I have one .. in fact the Buffalo link station they are talking about, its great as it just sits next to my Buffalo Technology wireless router and happily serves up files, music or video whenevr I need it, alright it only has a 250gb capacity and I did have some teething problems with the first one I had "it crashed loosing all my data I had on it" but the linkstation is always on "although the software it claims that you can access from anywhere, doesnt work"




Also I use remote software to connect to my pc from anywhere I am and can control the pc using this and can even check my security cameras from anywhere, any It consultancy worth their salt will be able to help you get this up and running and this can be essentially an amazing tool for business's everywhere.