Thursday, June 12, 2008
Paisley Pub Guide
I have now updated the Paisley Pub Guide which is now online at www.paisleypubguide.co.uk check it out and let me know what you think of it?
Monday, March 17, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
A wee joke
A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.
The Gamekeeper shouts,
'Dinnae drink thon waater! It's foo ae coo's keech an' pish!'
The man replies,
'My Good fellow, I'm English. Could you repeat that in English for me.'
The game keeper replies,
'I said, use two hands - you get more that way!!!'
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Buddie the labradoodle
Look at my wee boy posin ootside in the sunshine "well foggy really" he was a wee bit exited aboot getting his phot taken lol
Monday, February 11, 2008
the knob
A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Enterprising Energy
Promoting the use of Renewable Energy sources through Social (and mainstream) Enterprise Activities.
Please support us with our mobile phone recycling project. We can recycle just about any old mobile phone and turn that into cash to help the environment through renewable energy projects.
Within this site and blog (as well as other blogs) EnterprisingEnergy.com aim to provide people with clear information and advice to help people understand and use renewable energy sources in thier own homes, work place, schools, community buildings and anywhere else that you can think of.
Please support our work… !
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio
1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator:
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator:
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977:
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
5. US PGA Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold> > Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.."
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator:
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977:
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
5. US PGA Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold> > Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.."
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Monday, February 04, 2008
Friday, February 01, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
2007 Darwin Awards
The 2007 Darwin Awards
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1.
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2.
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3.
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5.
An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6.
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7.
Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8.
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9.
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10.
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
*** Remember... They walk among us!!! ***
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1.
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2.
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3.
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5.
An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6.
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7.
Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8.
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9.
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10.
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
*** Remember... They walk among us!!! ***
Roof update
Now i know you are on the edge of your seat about my roof problems, so I thought I would update you, I called the council again today as still no one had got back to me and I have found out they have to organise the scaffold company to come out and repair the damage, funnily enough on saturday of this week they were about five doors down from me.. mmmmm
anyways the target date is the 5th march so hopefully my roof holds out until then if not Im gonna be drookit or roofless...
anyways the target date is the 5th march so hopefully my roof holds out until then if not Im gonna be drookit or roofless...
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
The Funeral
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were
about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry
for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were
about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry
for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
Sunday, January 27, 2008
my roof
I have taken some video of my roof and the damage that the winds at the start of January did to my house 3 weeks ago on writing this blog, Renfrewshire council have done nothing "granted thy may be busy" but they have not so much as returned my calls or even came out to look at the damage, look just under the chimney and you will see the lead flashing has been cracked as well..
lets hope for our sake its not my bloody chimney..
lets hope for our sake its not my bloody chimney..
Saturday, January 26, 2008
The Kangadoodle
The wife
I was down at my mother in laws the other day there and like they do they get the old photos out now normally this is when i go to sleep but i noticed this one and though oh S**t thats me fooked lol now i know where she gets it from, god help me ...
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Paisley Web Design
I have now designed my own website and uploaded it last night check out www.paisleywebdesign.co.uk it offers my services such as web design "obvioulsy" hosting, domain name registration, email etc
its a really nice design and was inspired by my picture of tree face out my backdoor lol also as i have also noticed the last few days i had been seeing the same image of a tree on my calendar which is the bbc nature calendar weird but hey thats how marketing works...
check out Paisley Web Design website now.. let me know your thoughts on it??
thanks
its a really nice design and was inspired by my picture of tree face out my backdoor lol also as i have also noticed the last few days i had been seeing the same image of a tree on my calendar which is the bbc nature calendar weird but hey thats how marketing works...
check out Paisley Web Design website now.. let me know your thoughts on it??
thanks
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Paisley.org.uk Live alive ho
The site is back on at last no thanks to the wonderful world of 1and1 Internet "tubes" well its back on with the show, getting all the pages ready and fit for people to view, I'm looking for some more volunteers to help with the St Mirren football club section "if anyone is interested please click here" it will go a long way to help the development of the website and enrich peoples life's with tales of the saints lol.....
come on what you waiting for??
come on what you waiting for??
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Call me for help
If you need any com[uter support feel free to give me a call from the UNited States or Canada.
brianmcgui 1-888-MY-ETHER ext. 02534962   |
Free Open source games
Just found a website that has free open source games, Ive had a wee play of some of them namely wormsux lol cant stop playing it...
http://osswin.sourceforge.net/games.html
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
a wee joke
Mechanic vs. Pilot
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school
diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school
diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Ten Techs for the digital living room
Just been reading the bbc news page and they were describing the ten tecs for the digital living room.
This idea has always fascinated me and I have been for the last few years always been dabbling in trying to make my house more techie so to speak..
the first thing they say to get is a home server and low and behold I have one .. in fact the Buffalo link station they are talking about, its great as it just sits next to my Buffalo Technology wireless router and happily serves up files, music or video whenevr I need it, alright it only has a 250gb capacity and I did have some teething problems with the first one I had "it crashed loosing all my data I had on it" but the linkstation is always on "although the software it claims that you can access from anywhere, doesnt work"
Also I use remote software to connect to my pc from anywhere I am and can control the pc using this and can even check my security cameras from anywhere, any It consultancy worth their salt will be able to help you get this up and running and this can be essentially an amazing tool for business's everywhere.
This idea has always fascinated me and I have been for the last few years always been dabbling in trying to make my house more techie so to speak..
the first thing they say to get is a home server and low and behold I have one .. in fact the Buffalo link station they are talking about, its great as it just sits next to my Buffalo Technology wireless router and happily serves up files, music or video whenevr I need it, alright it only has a 250gb capacity and I did have some teething problems with the first one I had "it crashed loosing all my data I had on it" but the linkstation is always on "although the software it claims that you can access from anywhere, doesnt work"
Also I use remote software to connect to my pc from anywhere I am and can control the pc using this and can even check my security cameras from anywhere, any It consultancy worth their salt will be able to help you get this up and running and this can be essentially an amazing tool for business's everywhere.
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